P-R-N-D-L

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Spoilers: "Sandwich Day"
Pairing: Jack/Liz
Summary: Jack teaches Liz how to drive.

"The subway's broken," Liz told him as soon as he picked up the phone.
"Well, good morning to you too."
"Jack, I'm serious. I don't know how I'm gonna get to work."
"Problem solved. I'll take you."
"You will?"
"Under one condition."
"Oh, boy. What is it this time?"
"You come over tonight, spend the night and in the morning, I'll teach you how to drive."
Liz laughed.
"Spend the night? At your house? No way, Jack. Top Chef is on tonight and my apartment is perfectly--Oh my god! How the..? Jack, I gotta go. Call me back in five minutes. There's a fire in my apartment."
Liz hung up.
"Holy crap! How am I gonna get dressed?!" she told herself.
Liz looked frantically for something to wear, but all she found was a dress.
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me."
She desperately looked for a pair of spanx, but she couldn't find any.
"Oh, blerg!"
Her phone was ringing and someone was knocking. She was getting dressed, her apartment's about to burst into flames and all because she decided to have a pancake for breakfast?
"Lemon! You in here?" Jack called out.
"Bathroom."
"Your apartment's about to burst into flames and you're in the bathroom? Are you crazy?!"
"Just a second! I'll be right out. Give me a few more minutes."
"If we both burn in here, I'm gonna have Reagan to tell you something on your deathbed."
"Something good, I hope!"
Liz came out of the bathroom. She was wearing a black dress. It was a casual one, but it could be worn to an exquisite event.
"Well, you're ready," Jack said.
"Is it--Do I look bad?"
"No. You look almost, dare I say, attractive."
Liz blushed.
"Oh, wow. Um, thanks Jack."
"We should get of here."
"Oh, right. Duh. Apartment's burning. Wouldn't want to burn to death, huh?"
Jack nodded and led her out to his limo.
"Why'd you decide to straighten your hair today?" he asked her.
"I woke up this morning and my hair was a total mess. If it was curly, I'd look like I was in college all over again. So, I put some special shampoo on it and straightened my hair."
"And the hair color?"
"Well, I told the girl I wanted it brown, but they ran out of brown so they gave me this reddish-brownish shade. That's why there's this orange-ish shade to my hair."
"And the make-up?"
"I dunno. Just felt like it, I guess. Why do you want to know so much?"
"Just curious, that's all."
"Curiosity killed the cat, Jack," Liz told him.
"But I'm not a cat. I'm a human being. So technically, I won't be killed for being curious."
Liz laughed.
"Whatever floats your boat, Jacky."
It was silent for a while.
"Uh, we're here, Mister Donaghy," his driver said.
Liz went outside and it was snowing.
"What the hell?! Snowing? Jack, I--"
"Relax, I gotcha," Jack said, giving her his jacket.
"Wha--are you sure you won't be cold?"
Jack shook his head, and hugged Liz close to him.
"Well, somebody's ethnic today," Liz joked.
When they reached his floor, they were laughing.
"Good morning, Mister Donaghy."
"And Miss Lemon," Liz told him.
"Oh. Hello, Miss Lemon. Such a morning you chose to be with Mister Donaghy," Jonathan said giving Liz a nasty tone.
"Jonathan, can you do me a favor?" Jack asked.
Jonathan smiled.
"Yes, sir?" he said.
"Can you please be nice to Miss Lemon from now on? She's very important to this building and even more important to my life."
Oh, Jonathan knew that code. If Jack ever said that, it would mean that she's his new girlfriend. Problem is: she's not.
"Would you like some water, Miss Lemon?"
"Oh. No thanks, Jonathan. Jack has water in there."
Liz closed the door to Jack's office and Jonathan was furious.
"Miss Maroney?"
"Yes, this is she. Who's calling?"
"This is Jonathan, Mister Donaghy's assistant."
"Okay...what do you need me for?"
"You're Miss Lemon's best friend, right?"
"Yeah, of course."
"Has she told you about Mister Donaghy?"
"I dunno. I mean, she doesn't tell me a whole lot of stuff anymore. Jack's the one she tells everything to nowadays."
"Well, newsflash! They're dating."
"WHAT?!" Jenna screamed.
Jonathan hung up and smiled.
"That should ruin her," he said to himself.
Inside the office, Jack poured them a glass of wine and they clinked glasses.
"Well, Lemon. To global warming," he joked.
Liz laughed.
"Is there any chance you can turn up the heat?"
"You want to make a fire?" he suggested.
"Can we make s'mores after we build a fire?"
"Well, it is snowing."
Liz smiled.
"Thank you, Jack."
"For what?"
"Everything, really."
Jack smiled.
"No, Lemon. I should be thanking you. I wouldn't be the man I was today if it weren't for you."
"Cheers to us appearing in each others' lives!"
Liz practically stayed with Jack all day. They went to Central Park to catch the snow, they made s'mores, and they talked. It wasn't until almost five that Liz went to the writers room.
"Hey guys," Liz said.
"Well, you're late. We were actually working today, Liz," Frank said.
"Oh, shut up, Frank and get back to work."
"Where have you been anyway?"
"I was with Jack all day."
"Well, that explains the dress," Toofer said.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious! But, no. I wore a dress 'cause I felt like it."
Jack's head popped inside the writers room.
"Is Lemon here?" he asked.
Liz raised her hand.
"Right here, Jack."
"When are we gonna, uh, take off?" he asked.
"Oh, like in a few hours. I haven't done any work all day."
Jack rolled his eyes.
"Get some writer from Saturday Night Live and tell them to fill Liz's place for today. Be the guest writer."
"But, Jack. Today's Friday. Show day," Lutz said.
"So? SNL is used to doing stuff last-minute. I'm sure they can think of something."
"But Jack! They have a show tomorrow!" Sue said.
"Bup-Bup-Bup! I talked to Seth. They have no show this week. They're moving Justin Timberlake next week."
"Wait, Seth Meyers?!" Jenna asked.
Jack nodded.
"Alright! Take your girlfriend then, Jack. Keep her as long as you want!"
"No, no, no, Jenna. Liz and I aren't--"
"SETH MEYERS!" Jenna yelled.
Liz grabbed her coat and followed Jack.
"That easy, huh?"
"They're people, Lemon. They're not that hard to please."
Liz stepped inside Jack's car.
"What, no driver?"
Jack shook his head.
"Why not?" she asked him.
"I'm going to take you to a place special to me."
"Couldn't the driver--"
"No one knows about this place except me. You are going to be the first person to know about this."
"Oh, wow. I feel honored."
Jack drove for what seemed like miles and miles.
"Where are you taking me, Jack?" she asked him.
"Home," he told her.
"What do you mean, home?"
"I just drove around the city for an hour just to get to talk to you."
"Agh, you jag! We could've talked more at your apartment!"
Jack laughed.
When they reached Jack's apartment building, they stopped to look at the snow.
"Jack?"
"Yes, Lemon?"
She smiled.
"I had a really fun time today. Snow really brings out the best in you."
"Thank you, Lemon. I also had a fun time today. It was the most fun I've had in years."
"Look, a snowflake! You know what I do? I always catch them with my tongue. You should try it."
"No, Lemon. I don't think I should--"
"Come on! It's cool!"
Liz kept catching snowflake after snowflake, but she and Jack accidentally slipped and Liz fell on top of him.
They laughed and helped each other up.
"Thanks, Jack. Now, come on. Let's go upstairs. It's 4:30 in the morning, for crying out loud. Is Liddy there or is she with Colleen?"
"Good god, Lemon. I only let her stay with Colleen once and never again because I'm afraid she would kill the child."
They shared a laugh.
"Mister Donaghy?" the doorman called out.
Jack turned to look at him.
"Do I need to warn the people at your floor?"
Jack laughed.
"Eddie, Lemon isn't my, um, person tonight."
"You always say that, Donaghy! I'mma have to call Mrs. Morgan and tell her that you'll be having at it tonight. You know how difficult that is, man?"
Jack rolled his eyes and walked away.
He saw that Liz wasn't in the lobby, so he assumed that Liz was already in his apartment."
When Jack arrived at his apartment, it was the same time that Sherri was about to leave.
"She is good with babies," Sherri said before leaving.
He went in his apartment seeing Liz carrying Liddy.
"What the world needs now...is love sweet love. It's the only thing that there's just too little of," Liz sung to Liddy.
Jack smiled and went up to them.
"Does that song really work?" he asked curiously.
"I don't know. She's getting sleepy, but maybe if you sing it, she'll fall asleep," she told him.
"Oh, but I'm not a singer."
"Neither am I. But you sang AND played the piano at that party where you met C.C., so you're not getting off that easily. Plus, I like your voice. It's soothing, actually."
Jack sung the song once and Liddy did fall asleep.
Liz put the baby back in the crib and sat on the couch.
"Damn it."
Jack turned around.
"What's wrong, Lemon?"
Liz sighed.
"My apartment's gone. I don't have any clothes, I don't have any of the special shampoo that makes my hair not look like a disaster. I have nothing, Jack."
Jack sat next to her.
"It's going to be okay, Lemon. You have me, your rich friend who can buy you anything. You also have Liddy. You can practice your motherly skills on her. It's not the end of the world. You can stay here as long as you want until you find a new place."
Liz smiled.
"Really?"
Jack nodded.
"Now get some sleep. I have to teach you how to drive tomorrow," he reminded her.
"Yeah, yeah."
Liz went to the guest bedroom and realized that she had no sleeping clothes.
Before she could even reach Jack's room, he had already given her his dress shirt.
"What, no shorts?" she asked him.
"Night, Lemon."
*
Liz woke up to the sound of Jack boosting the volume of the stereo.
"WAKE UP, LEMON!" he shouted.
Liz groaned.
"Too early," she told herself.
Jack came in the room and opened the windows.
"Lemon, you gotta get up."
"No."
"Lemon, I'm serious."
"I am too. Turn Sinatra off! As much as I love that song, it's too early in the morning."
"What do you mean too early? It's eleven!"
Liz didn't move.
"Okay, you asked for it."
Jack grabbed her legs and pulled her out of the bed until she fell on the ground.
"MY BACK! Jack Donaghy, you are going to pay for this!"
Liz chased him to the kitchen.
"Okay, okay! You got me, Lemon. What are you gonna do with me?"
"Make me an omelet."
"You have issues with food, Liz Lemon."
"JUST DO IT," Liz commanded him.
"Okay, okay. I didn't realize there was a queen bee in this house."
Liz rolled her eyes and walked away.
"Yeah, keep staring at it, Jack. You're not seeing my butt dance ever again."
Someone knocked on the door.
"I'll get it!" Liz told him.
Liz accidentally tipped over the crib.
"Liddy!" she said. She carried the baby and went to the door. Her hair was a mess, she was still wearing Jack's clothes, and she was carrying his baby in her arms.
Liz almost dropped Liddy when she saw who it was at the door.
"Bianca! What are you doing here?"
Bianca's eyes widened.
"Oh, Elizabeth. I didn't think you'd be here!"
"I'm sorry. I thought you were my friend since I invited her over today."
"Um, is Johnny here?"
"Oh, um, yeah. He's in the kitchen making breakfast. I'll go get him for you. Go sit on the couch. He'll be right down."
Liz ran to the kitchen.
"Bianca's here!" she whispered.
"What?"
"Bianca! Crazy ex-wife is here!"
"Don't worry, Lemon. I have an idea. Here, put this ring on."
"What's the plan?"
"Well, you're wearing my dress shirt, you're carrying a baby, your hair is a mess, you're wearing a ring...she must've assumed that Liddy was our daughter and that we just had sex."
Liz laughed.
"I just noticed you wore socks to your sleep too."
"Well, I just noticed you're not wearing any socks," Jack said, pointing to Liz's feet.
"Oh my god! My feet!"
"Lemon. It's okay. Your feet look fine."
"Okay, now let's go get this show on the road!"
"Hang on, Lemon. Uh, Liddy might have the sudden urge to want breast milk..."
"Jack, I haven't taken the class on how to breastfeed. I don't know how."
"It's easy. Take your nipple and put it in the baby's mouth and she'll suck on it."
"But then my boobs will get sore," she complained.
"It's life. You'll get used to it."
"You'd feel the same if babies penis-fed!"
Jack was disgusted at that thought.
"Hello, Bianca."
"Johnny! Uh, how are you?"
"I'm doing great, Bianca. How about you?"
"Fantastic! So you did marry Elizabeth after all!" Bianca said, trying not to sound angry.
"Yes, and I appreciate you not to tear off her clothes this time because of two reasons. One; they're mine. And two--"
"That's his job," Liz joked.
"Is that baby yours?" Bianca asked.
Liz nodded.
"Liddy Colleen Elizabeth Donaghy," Liz told her.
"Oh, how wonderful. She's beautiful, Johnny."
Jack smiled at her.
"Would you like some breakfast?" Liz asked her.
"Oh, no thank you. I had breakfast at Arby's this morning. How long have you two been married?"
"It was six months after I told you that he proposed to me. So, about five-ish years."
Bianca's mouth formed an "oh" and she excused herself to leave.
Why was all this happening? Can't she just get learn how to drive with Jack teaching her without all this drama?

TBC...